06 Oct SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2024
As mentioned last week, I’ve watched dozens of Forensic Files episodes from Season Seven onward. And in doing so, it didn’t take long to note a significant pattern to who gets killed most of the time: women. And it grieves me even more to say that women are most often killed by men, men with whom they’ve shared intimate relationships, men with whom they’ve born children, men with whom they once lived, married or trusted in some other way.
Most of the time when murder is committed by a significant other or spouse, it happens because divorce is imminent. The woman hints at leaving the man. The man is having an affair and wants to marry the other woman. The man doesn’t want to obey the laws of the court system: to share his accumulated assets or custody of the couple’s children. Either there’s a wife that a man no longer wishes to be married to or there’s a woman who no longer wishes to be married to man.
Listen to what Deuteronomy 24:1-4 says about divorce, and note that it’s the only time divorce is mentioned in the Old Testament. Also worth noting is how some of the words may be heard as disconcerting since it’s clear that in those days, men had all the power.
“If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him [see what I mean. MS WORD suggested that the phrase displeasing to him be changed to displeased with him, lol]] because he finds something indecent about her, [see what I mean] and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, [see what I mean? Okay. I’ll stop interjecting.]
“…and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.”
Oh, Lordy. The subject of divorce grieves me so. As you know, I’ve been through it, and gone through it willingly. In fact, I initiated divorce proceedings myself on account of irreconcilable differences more than once. So I get the idea of one person deciding that a spouse has become displeasing or intolerable. But let’s not forget who, in Jesus’ day, held power in society. And I can’t forget that because of divorce, I was shunned by an entire church community.
The law in Deuteronomy was there to protect a woman from losing her marriage dowry twice, because in the first case, when she was dismissed as unsatisfactory by her husband, her dowry would have been forfeited to him as a sort of consolation prize. After all, she turned out to be a displeasing female spouse. In the second case of her remarriage , a reissued dowry from her family of origin would serve as a consolation prize for the woman. After all, she had then been turned out or abandoned by two men.
Within the broader context of Mosaic law, these verses about divorce occur in a section about theft, not adultery. See this link for further discussion. A good thing to remember is that Mosaic laws were designed to protect not only individuals, but the overall interests of society. Every member was considered an interested party and, unless considered otherwise, was deemed valuable at contributing success to the entire community.
Listen to what God deemed valuable and hoped would contribute to our success. In so many words, God said, “It is not good for any human to be alone; so God created a helper to serve as a partner. No animal or any other living creature would suffice. No technological creation born of human or artificial intelligence, would suffice either.
Things like phones and ipads, collections of purchased items or acquired goods, gadgets, land and vehicles, are no more than accouterments: stuff in the categories of clothes and equipment, knicknacks, figurines, guns, tools and farm equipment, cannot and were never meant to take the place of being in intimate relationships with other human beings. As Barbara Striesand once sang, “People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world.” God created us to need the help and partnership of people. We need to belong.
The concept of belonging concerns me more than any other aspect regarding church membership. I’ve belonged to probably a dozen churches in my time and seen how churches diminish and dissolve without a sense of belonging. Listen to the following definition by a person writing for Christian Century magazine.
“To me, the language of belonging dwells in the subjective world of covenant rather than the objective world of contract. Belonging is not something one can confer on another. All one can do is create healthy circumstances in which another can find their own sense of belonging and foster habits by which that belonging can become a blessing to others rather than a collective form of isolation.” https://www.christiancentury.org/books/age-isolation-what-does-it-mean-belong
I worry that people will make the effort to come to church and not feel as though they belong. That they’ll sit in the pews, sing hymns and still feel alone. That they won’t experience the blessing of connection to others and experience a collective form of isolation. Then their subconscious will say to them, “Why did I bother going? I still feel empty and alone.”
To truly belong, one must put forth effort. A person can’t just come to church hoping to get something, one must give something of themselves. I’ve seen too many people go to church in order to connect with the pastor or the sermon, to get enjoyment from the music they hear or the lyrics they sing, to fulfill an obligation, to see friends of theirs. I mean those things are what makes going to church meaningful and pleasant. But my hope is that every individual will invest in belonging to whoever sits next to them to whoever shows up.
Today’s readings are timeless reminders coming from the ancient past to us in this moment. Nothing can take the place of another human being whom God has given to us for help and partnership.
I know, it’s possible to mimic relationships and partnerships through things like Facebook. And I’ve noticed that we’ve found humorous ways to embrace what we find lacking in our lives: being as young as we once were, having the time or money to pursue our dreams.
Some people make excuses for their personal relationship status by saying, “There’s no good people to choose from,” or they defend other life choices by saying, “The world is different now.” The whole world is buying t-shirts and bumper stickers suggesting that hobbies or pets can replace spouses or family, but the Lord God said, “It is not good. This won’t do.”
We need helpers and partners made of similar flesh and bone. Unless life throws curve balls, each of us is raised in a family unit from which we are encouraged to cleave ourselves, to form new relationships in which we can cling to another person and become one. Even if for some reason, we are forced to be alone or choose to remain single, it is God’s provision for us to form and maintain close relationships, to help and to partner with other human beings.
Divorce from each other is ruining our society, and I don’t only mean from a marriage partner. I mean that we suffer from constantly changing course, from separating or dissociating ourselves, from disconnecting, disjoining, detaching, cutting ourselves off, the very opposite of unity.
Divorce is the cause of so many ills. People are living their lives feeling angry, hurt or guilty. Many people experience the burden of poverty without the satisfaction of personal contact. More folks are suffering from financial and emotional instability, poor health and addiction because we have forgotten how God created us: To need a helper and partner.
In that earlier passage from Deuteronomy, there’s also this: “If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” [I like that idea.]
Apparently someone understood that being together and having a home life were important, that distractions and a long separation weren’t good, that a firm foundation could only be established with intentional effort over time. Those are key takeaways for any social arrangement: An investment of time and energy are necessary for people to learn how to get along. We need to practice loving and supporting each other, because these things combined will lead to overall happiness.
Let us pray. Lord, we come to you as children, needing your touch, needing to know that we are deeply loved and never alone. Help us to understand and follow your plan for us to be each other’s companions throughout this life, to experience fulfillment through covenantal relationships where blessings come through belonging. In your holy name we pray, Amen.